silver lining

i woke up pretty depressed this morning there is nothing worse than looking up to someone, and them not ending up to be what you had hoped them to be; or worse still, needed them to be. I just had that experience with that cop from my high...

serves em right

this town totally makes me sick seriously im reading the news and they are talking about giving five years to a man that raped an eleven year old and impregnated her. This is some how justice? she is like 15 with a four year old from a...

fair

These people ignoring me wadding me up and throwing me away like im trash and i have no inherent value that im not human with feelings abilities and sensibilities. it is just so heavy on me like i said to you before i swear it is a test...

out out out

missing esmeralda something fierce today ive been trying to line up viewings so i can take a train up and my friend offered to pick me up when he gets off of work and drive me to the locations which was very nice of him and yet no one answers,...

out

go to bed depressed wake up the same way and every minute in between. my neighbors were on a rampage last night deliberately acting the ass until at least two in the morning obviously the cop talked to them and they 'won' im sure that is why...

debilitating anxiety

People do not understand how debilitating anxiety can be.  My anxiety controls my life. Literally.  it is so debilitating that it stops me from being able to do the things i want to do and am good at even. it is the most frustrating thing and...

shadows of the night

you know i was thinking to myself i understand why people off themselves and or become involved in the underground economy. Look at my situation i live on odsp which is maybe 1200 MAX a month. I am so severely impaired, affected, that i cant...

gone forever

I dont think ill ever get over missing my Esmeralda. She was my very best friend.  Imagine, losing your best friend? in human form and how that would feel to you? Now magnify that with my isolation and rejection from my mental illness and...

justly MINE

My body is killing me so badly right now i dont know if it is the constant wetness going on or what but my body is aching me from head to toe. non stop no relief. etc. argh. to say im depressed would be an understatement right now I am...

unjust

I dunno sometimes i swear im cursed.  although logically i know there is no such thing sometimes tho you have got to wonder. this week has been a brutal one flu, floods, job offer, job offer rescinded etc then when i go to the gym "what...

extremes

sun is setting and i am missing my Esmeralda something wicked. I ran on the treadmill and then walked to moms in the rain then worked her out and then walked home. went for a walk again this afternoon. sitting here watching little house on...

hard edges

i miss my ezzy so much. she was my best best best friend. not having her definitely makes the harshness of my isolation and alienation sting more. She definitely buffered and rounded off the hard edges. gnite. hope i can sleep i...

money making

feel so sick these days i can barely get up from sleeping. i feel sick to my stomach and heavy in the lungs some happy birthday i went to the doctors for my feet today it will take about a month they said for the orthotics to come in ...

wait and see

worst head ache known to man kind keep getting up early and going to the gym blowing thru my gas tank then im wiped and good for nothing virtually i have errands to run and doctors to go see. shoes to return and exchange. My birthday...

happy

Ramsey Charlie Clover Toby Carmen Cassidy Peanuts Mr. Belvedere Checkers Princess Rudy Sheba Fidsters Tundra Pooter root Moon face Squirrel Angus momma and all her four new kittens with no names...

as my life

The olympics have been a great distraction for me at night time anyways but i miss Esmeralda something fierce. this morning i cried some i wasnt able to even look at her photos last night or this morning at all when i try to express how i...

how can you not?

I literally feel like i cant do this anymore day in and day out existing in void and silence that are never ending..... achingly lonely for my Esmeralda for companionship for love. for inclusion and authentic reception all the things she...

long nights

hey my days are absolutely boring and never ending anymore i am depressed and have no mojo whatsoever everything is tired, old, and worn out literally and otherwise. no life around here without esmeralda. the youngest one of mine is...

days gone by

what was we can always find fault in our present day things that are less than ideal; things that could be better things that get on our nerves that never change day in and day out yet tho there always comes a time always and heed what...

asshole

feeling blue today went to moms yesterday to work her out; looked forward to it all week long because of the heat etc so we get into the pool and like a half an hour thru it opens up and pours rain she gets out i stayed in and swam anyways....

i have ever known.

i am beyond lost right now. I am up and back to my house done at the gym, before the time i would have even set out for the gym on a regular routined day.   My entire world ended the day she left me. and i seriously dont know what to do...

the same.

~morning~ Mornings fall hard. Night time falls hard..... i feel totally and utterly alone these days. I am missing her soft fur to hug and nuzzle into..... her affection and her go to..... Nothing compares in the words of prince. and it is...

do over

I am feeling especially sad today i headed out to go to the gym and found myself turning back to spend the day at home. I did my free weights and will walk on my treadmill or run if i want to im going to go for a walk outside too as hot as...

roid rage

so i go to the gym yesterday and some crazy ass black man starts in on me he's been hassling me for the last three or four times i have gone in he is obviously friends with the piece of shit adam levine there that was shooting his fuck you...