unjust

I dunno sometimes i swear im cursed.  although logically i know there is no such thing sometimes tho you have got to wonder. this week has been a brutal one flu, floods, job offer, job offer rescinded etc then when i go to the gym "what...

extremes

sun is setting and i am missing my Esmeralda something wicked. I ran on the treadmill and then walked to moms in the rain then worked her out and then walked home. went for a walk again this afternoon. sitting here watching little house on...

hard edges

i miss my ezzy so much. she was my best best best friend. not having her definitely makes the harshness of my isolation and alienation sting more. She definitely buffered and rounded off the hard edges. gnite. hope i can sleep i...

money making

feel so sick these days i can barely get up from sleeping. i feel sick to my stomach and heavy in the lungs some happy birthday i went to the doctors for my feet today it will take about a month they said for the orthotics to come in ...

wait and see

worst head ache known to man kind keep getting up early and going to the gym blowing thru my gas tank then im wiped and good for nothing virtually i have errands to run and doctors to go see. shoes to return and exchange. My birthday...

happy

Ramsey Charlie Clover Toby Carmen Cassidy Peanuts Mr. Belvedere Checkers Princess Rudy Sheba Fidsters Tundra Pooter root Moon face Squirrel Angus momma and all her four new kittens with no names...

as my life

The olympics have been a great distraction for me at night time anyways but i miss Esmeralda something fierce. this morning i cried some i wasnt able to even look at her photos last night or this morning at all when i try to express how i...

how can you not?

I literally feel like i cant do this anymore day in and day out existing in void and silence that are never ending..... achingly lonely for my Esmeralda for companionship for love. for inclusion and authentic reception all the things she...

long nights

hey my days are absolutely boring and never ending anymore i am depressed and have no mojo whatsoever everything is tired, old, and worn out literally and otherwise. no life around here without esmeralda. the youngest one of mine is...

days gone by

what was we can always find fault in our present day things that are less than ideal; things that could be better things that get on our nerves that never change day in and day out yet tho there always comes a time always and heed what...

asshole

feeling blue today went to moms yesterday to work her out; looked forward to it all week long because of the heat etc so we get into the pool and like a half an hour thru it opens up and pours rain she gets out i stayed in and swam anyways....

i have ever known.

i am beyond lost right now. I am up and back to my house done at the gym, before the time i would have even set out for the gym on a regular routined day.   My entire world ended the day she left me. and i seriously dont know what to do...

the same.

~morning~ Mornings fall hard. Night time falls hard..... i feel totally and utterly alone these days. I am missing her soft fur to hug and nuzzle into..... her affection and her go to..... Nothing compares in the words of prince. and it is...

do over

I am feeling especially sad today i headed out to go to the gym and found myself turning back to spend the day at home. I did my free weights and will walk on my treadmill or run if i want to im going to go for a walk outside too as hot as...

roid rage

so i go to the gym yesterday and some crazy ass black man starts in on me he's been hassling me for the last three or four times i have gone in he is obviously friends with the piece of shit adam levine there that was shooting his fuck you...

for that matter

Im so alone all the time and with Esmeralda fading on me, i feel even more alone. even when she is here with me it is like she has left me a long time ago. it breaks my heart. i dont want her to suffer but i also dont want to let her...

strength

so the plan is to treat esmeralda at home until wednesday we have the euthanasia appointment set for that date i had the appointment for yesterday but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. my sister had picked up the antibiotics i had asked...

alienated

I am feeling so alienated these days I am lonely and yet, want to be alone. I dont want to be alone, and yet? Ive alienated myself. it is like i dont really want to be alone, but i am more comfortable there. When i try to reach out...

casting

These supposed counsellors of mine are some of the most disrespectful apathetic pieces of crap ive ever seen in my life.   and that is a mouthful isnt it? i cant even go into it or ill give myself an stroke again. pretty unacceptable...

never trying again.

went to this interview yesterday one of the worst days of my life to record not a good day ill write about it later for now im out. going to give ezzy her meds and do some things that at least im comfortable ( as comfortable as i can...

myself.

And Esmeralda is eating again today!!! :) wooo dee hoo hooooo and grooming herself. i figured why not double up on the antibiotics what have i got to lose if im losing her anyway? so i doubled the dose and look at her come back ...

departure

morning phew we can finally breathe a little bit; the humidity and extreme heat has broke, and it is breathe easy;or at least easier. Finally crawled up on my treadmill today. felt good mom is finally home from the hospital.  They really...

gone

Now my mom is in the hospital. shaking my head and rolling my eyes at you. on saturday when i got there i think the two of them had been arguing youre early she snaps we are cutting the lawn her and i did the back yard and he does the...

but dont care

they were also going out to eat with my nephew but they couldnt include me? it is outrageous how mean he treats me and her too i might add. she sat at the pool and watched me work out she claimed she was too "dizzy" so the entire time she...