are

feeling completely aggravated tonight

my energy is raw and im feeling sick and tired of people being on my case so to speak.

im pissed off about my landlord always targeting me for no reason other than hes an asshole

im sick of the passive aggressive bullshit that they dish out at me at the gym

hiring yet ANOTHER new girl when i asked them like 8 months ago if i could work the desk

and she told me i couldnt "handle it" because it involved sales.

well kiss my three degreed behind

im sure i could fill out a membership enrollment form or inform people of their membership options if you monkeys can.

jus sayin

so they hired yet another little twat that is a part of their mean girl majority mentality

and so it goes.

welcome to good life; where we only hire people and represent one demographic

not to mention one gender expression, one color, one socioeconomic status, one version of abled etc.

blah blah blah

shaking my head

im so sick of seeing the most disgusting and disappointing aspects of humanity and mankind

from the humane society and their biased bullshit way theyve always treated me and again why

because they dont like how i look

what came first my reaction or their injustice?

think about that for a minute.

cuz i definitely know the order in which that one flowed.

to the biased shit in my housing situation

he keeps literally touching my property which in and of itself is literally illegal

if you want something moved you tell the tenant and they touch their own property

he has no legal right to be touching anything that is mine

i enter into contract with him to live on and USE the premises

everyone else can put shit out

but not me? without him deliberately targeting whatever it is i enjoy or contribute.

how about leave me alone.

how about that.

there is something refreshing about being ignored in toronto

it is so pathetic that people are so small minded here

that when you are seen it is targeted or ignored/ invalidated.

i am seriously considering giving up my subsidy and going anyway

quite seriously

i have asked repeatedly for them to grant me a subsidy elsewhere and they continue to with hold

and again for no good reason other than they CAN.

this is the shit im telling you about

then they seriously wonder why people kill themselves?

when you are being tortured or unwanted to the point of hurtful all the time in your current community

and the communities youd like to relocate to are barriering you from coming

or trying to make it pretty much damn near impossible.

you dont feel very wanted or welcomed anywhere in the world.

when the barn where you go for therapeutic riding doesnt think you are valuable enough

to keep the horse that helps to get you through your life and not end it

ya that is the stuff that really hurts you know.

makes you question what is it all for

and why do i keep on persevering.

seriously why

then they are offering me this job

im already anxious about it

for many reasons i only want like two maybe three shifts max

and the way they do things nowadays

im old school give me a job and train me hands on on the floor

nope

you have to do safety this and computer module that

if i live through that long enough to even make it to the floor?

will be a miracle in and of itself.

it deters me to the point of not even wanting to try.

then you see these cats everywhere that are suffering borne of human heartlessness too and irresponsibility.

it is all so soul crushing

and the bull and the matador thing

i cannot believe that in this day and age

that is even legal

cruelty and merciless torture is not entertainment nor sport.

period.

the matador enters into the ring willingly

the bull that has done nothing wrong to anyone but exist innocent and with no choice totally dependent and vulnerable

gets trapped into a situation it cannot escape from if it wants to

( sounds familiar) and then the fn sons of bitches

amuse themselves by torturing the thing literally to death.

absolutely some of the most dispicable display of what human beings are capable of

and then they wonder why you have PTSD and dont trust people

why wouldnt  you?

seriously.

shaking my head

and what a testament of this program im in

Rebel was once the toast of the barn

the bomb proof number one in the show horse

the cops i believe or someone big wig

even sponsored him at one time.

now that he is unusable ( in their opinion)

how ironic and what a message to communicate to those of us who are disabled and still looking to contribute what we can

they are throwing him out like trash

they are giving him to some woman and really then have no say over what they do to him or with him

not really not until it is potentially

too late.

they may not care nor think he is worth his weight in hay

or keep

but i do

so that is how society views us disabled people too

we arent worth the money they gives us each month on odsp

you think i dont hear the deriding remarks about o "its cheque day" from strangers and my family even.

thinking youre a waste of space and not worth even sustaining what can YOU do what good are you.

trust me Rebel is still plenty good

and he is plenty important and pivotal to me

and the fact that my well being and he dont matter in this regard

is heartbreaking and again a disgusting representation of our world

and what matters and has value

and what does not.

once you are not viable or usable or your cost outweighs your benefit or add to

no one thinks youre worth it

from the top of the heap

to the floor garbage sweep.

dust in a pan.

shaking my head.

it makes me hurt so much i get so angry

i just hate everything that is going on around me right now

and the only thing i want to do is get out of here

seriously job or no job

man

i just want i need

out.

i want to go and get away from this toxic reality and the people that surround me that make me feel like i am worthless and then i believe them

from the passive aggressive haters that make me feel like im their joke or their bull for amusement they stick their jabs in from my mom to randy at the barn calling me fat

to them not putting ellen on the tv anymore at the gym because they know i like watching it in order to get thru my cardio

to them fucking with the fans because they know im in meno and get hot

etc etc etc.

to them making comments about my clothes behind me so i can hear them or my hair etc.

I JUST WANT OUT

and if i have to throw caution to the wind and take my crim injuries monies and not use it for riding or therapies or a car for example not necessarily or just saving for my kids when im gone....

then i will

i have asked that they help me sustain the same economic level as i have here by making an exception and helping me out and giving me a rental subsidy

and they just wont.

that is how heartless these people involved are

they think it is trite or nothing

until like i said someone finally cant take it no more

and offs themselves.

I WANT OUT

i dont want a job i dont want a new horse i want a new start

and maybe that is not in my best interest in the long run

but that is how i feel

they say trust your intuition

well that is what it says

so if i go with the crim injury money that is precarious and may not be there in another two years who knows

i may end up homeless literally without the guarantee housing security that a rental subsidy brings.

i wont be trapped in the ring tho with people skewering me and laughing at my suffering

i wont continue to endure it like someones jester clown.

im just so angry and so fed up with no one taking my suffering seriously

that no one cares how i feel or how much ive suffered in so many unfair and unnecessary ways

is no one human out there anymore?

how hard would it be for them to give me the goddamned subsidy

i mean seriously.

just help me

all my life i was left in that abuse raped daily for nearly thirteen years

first person to put herself through university to go to university

and this is my reward?

i have always tried to do the right thing and been falsely labelled as bad or difficult or not worthy

two thirds of my rage is from the injustice and their inaccuracy

hot bellied indignation

the least i deserved was to be protected by my parents family community

and the police.

i was not.

no teacher stepped in

no one spoke out

i was left in it

then when you have affect from it

youre crazy and no one has to listen to you AGAIN.

and he gets away with it scott free.

im the crazy one. no someone that exploits their power like the bull trapped in the ring thats the crazy one.

not me.

the fact the cops still do nothing for me. thats the crazy thing

the fact that human beings instead of throwing their support behind me

throw me out.

the fact that they think other people are worthy of protection and im not

that others are worth helping and im not

that others are worthy of opportunity after opportunity until one clicks and im not?

i have more goddamned untapped potential and ability

if people didnt think i was some piece of crap that cant do anything

no they think i cant do anything and that im creepy and that is exactly what pisses me off.

because i know i can.

and i know how pure hearted i am

im not them.

and i see things how people should frankly

sometimes there is just right or wrong.

and them giving away rebel after all he's given to them and their program is just wrong.

i dont care about your economics

that is the least he is owed.

and it screams volumes to those of us disabled watching how you hypocritically get rid of those that cant offer you in your opinion enough to be worthy of retaining.

let alone not caring at all the impact this is having on me.

how insulting that what i even do with him is not of any value to them even

that they would retain him souly for that reason too.

sigh i donno

people perpetually disappoint me.

what is any of this all for? can someone tell me?

you have ideals and values

for what

to be jaded and ripped apart

perpetually disappointed with how things should be

and represent themselves by face

but in actuality, are.

i gotta go to sleep.

gnite.

o ya and my zumba teacher wasnt even there so i didnt even get that bit of happy today.

i just gotta get out of windsor.

they say

whatever you want

send it out into the universe

i am saying I WANT OUT OF HERE.

please God please make me be given a subsidy in the municipality that i long to be in

KW, T.O or Hamilton

any of them will do.

PLEASE just grant me one so i can go.

then ill see about a job there. and some riding there.

maybe even get a car there if it isnt toronto lol

and if it is well then ill at least be where i know.

until im called home.

got my life insurance policy today

gotta wait exactly 1 yr and 11 months until i can off myself

and they legally be entitled to the policy

fuck you cant even leave when you want and do it right.

gnite.

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