feeling completely aggravated tonight
my energy is raw and im feeling sick and tired of people being on my case so to speak.
im pissed off about my landlord always targeting me for no reason other than hes an asshole
im sick of the passive aggressive bullshit that they dish out at me at the gym
hiring yet ANOTHER new girl when i asked them like 8 months ago if i could work the desk
and she told me i couldnt "handle it" because it involved sales.
well kiss my three degreed behind
im sure i could fill out a membership enrollment form or inform people of their membership options if you monkeys can.
so they hired yet another little twat that is a part of their mean girl majority mentality
and so it goes.
welcome to good life; where we only hire people and represent one demographic
not to mention one gender expression, one color, one socioeconomic status, one version of abled etc.
blah blah blah
shaking my head
im so sick of seeing the most disgusting and disappointing aspects of humanity and mankind
from the humane society and their biased bullshit way theyve always treated me and again why
because they dont like how i look
what came first my reaction or their injustice?
think about that for a minute.
cuz i definitely know the order in which that one flowed.
to the biased shit in my housing situation
he keeps literally touching my property which in and of itself is literally illegal
if you want something moved you tell the tenant and they touch their own property
he has no legal right to be touching anything that is mine
i enter into contract with him to live on and USE the premises
everyone else can put shit out
but not me? without him deliberately targeting whatever it is i enjoy or contribute.
how about leave me alone.
how about that.
there is something refreshing about being ignored in toronto
it is so pathetic that people are so small minded here
that when you are seen it is targeted or ignored/ invalidated.
i am seriously considering giving up my subsidy and going anyway
i have asked repeatedly for them to grant me a subsidy elsewhere and they continue to with hold
and again for no good reason other than they CAN.
this is the shit im telling you about
then they seriously wonder why people kill themselves?
when you are being tortured or unwanted to the point of hurtful all the time in your current community
and the communities youd like to relocate to are barriering you from coming
or trying to make it pretty much damn near impossible.
you dont feel very wanted or welcomed anywhere in the world.
when the barn where you go for therapeutic riding doesnt think you are valuable enough
to keep the horse that helps to get you through your life and not end it
ya that is the stuff that really hurts you know.
makes you question what is it all for
and why do i keep on persevering.
then they are offering me this job
im already anxious about it
for many reasons i only want like two maybe three shifts max
and the way they do things nowadays
im old school give me a job and train me hands on on the floor
you have to do safety this and computer module that
if i live through that long enough to even make it to the floor?
will be a miracle in and of itself.
it deters me to the point of not even wanting to try.
then you see these cats everywhere that are suffering borne of human heartlessness too and irresponsibility.
it is all so soul crushing
and the bull and the matador thing
i cannot believe that in this day and age
that is even legal
cruelty and merciless torture is not entertainment nor sport.
the matador enters into the ring willingly
the bull that has done nothing wrong to anyone but exist innocent and with no choice totally dependent and vulnerable
gets trapped into a situation it cannot escape from if it wants to
( sounds familiar) and then the fn sons of bitches
amuse themselves by torturing the thing literally to death.
absolutely some of the most dispicable display of what human beings are capable of
and then they wonder why you have PTSD and dont trust people
why wouldnt you?
shaking my head
and what a testament of this program im in
Rebel was once the toast of the barn
the bomb proof number one in the show horse
the cops i believe or someone big wig
even sponsored him at one time.
now that he is unusable ( in their opinion)
how ironic and what a message to communicate to those of us who are disabled and still looking to contribute what we can
they are throwing him out like trash
they are giving him to some woman and really then have no say over what they do to him or with him
not really not until it is potentially
they may not care nor think he is worth his weight in hay
but i do
so that is how society views us disabled people too
we arent worth the money they gives us each month on odsp
you think i dont hear the deriding remarks about o "its cheque day" from strangers and my family even.
thinking youre a waste of space and not worth even sustaining what can YOU do what good are you.
trust me Rebel is still plenty good
and he is plenty important and pivotal to me
and the fact that my well being and he dont matter in this regard
is heartbreaking and again a disgusting representation of our world
and what matters and has value
and what does not.
once you are not viable or usable or your cost outweighs your benefit or add to
no one thinks youre worth it
from the top of the heap
to the floor garbage sweep.
dust in a pan.
shaking my head.
it makes me hurt so much i get so angry
i just hate everything that is going on around me right now
and the only thing i want to do is get out of here
seriously job or no job
i just want i need
i want to go and get away from this toxic reality and the people that surround me that make me feel like i am worthless and then i believe them
from the passive aggressive haters that make me feel like im their joke or their bull for amusement they stick their jabs in from my mom to randy at the barn calling me fat
to them not putting ellen on the tv anymore at the gym because they know i like watching it in order to get thru my cardio
to them fucking with the fans because they know im in meno and get hot
etc etc etc.
to them making comments about my clothes behind me so i can hear them or my hair etc.
I JUST WANT OUT
and if i have to throw caution to the wind and take my crim injuries monies and not use it for riding or therapies or a car for example not necessarily or just saving for my kids when im gone....
then i will
i have asked that they help me sustain the same economic level as i have here by making an exception and helping me out and giving me a rental subsidy
and they just wont.
that is how heartless these people involved are
they think it is trite or nothing
until like i said someone finally cant take it no more
and offs themselves.
I WANT OUT
i dont want a job i dont want a new horse i want a new start
and maybe that is not in my best interest in the long run
but that is how i feel
they say trust your intuition
well that is what it says
so if i go with the crim injury money that is precarious and may not be there in another two years who knows
i may end up homeless literally without the guarantee housing security that a rental subsidy brings.
i wont be trapped in the ring tho with people skewering me and laughing at my suffering
i wont continue to endure it like someones jester clown.
im just so angry and so fed up with no one taking my suffering seriously
that no one cares how i feel or how much ive suffered in so many unfair and unnecessary ways
is no one human out there anymore?
how hard would it be for them to give me the goddamned subsidy
i mean seriously.
just help me
all my life i was left in that abuse raped daily for nearly thirteen years
first person to put herself through university to go to university
and this is my reward?
i have always tried to do the right thing and been falsely labelled as bad or difficult or not worthy
two thirds of my rage is from the injustice and their inaccuracy
hot bellied indignation
the least i deserved was to be protected by my parents family community
and the police.
i was not.
no teacher stepped in
no one spoke out
i was left in it
then when you have affect from it
youre crazy and no one has to listen to you AGAIN.
and he gets away with it scott free.
im the crazy one. no someone that exploits their power like the bull trapped in the ring thats the crazy one.
the fact the cops still do nothing for me. thats the crazy thing
the fact that human beings instead of throwing their support behind me
throw me out.
the fact that they think other people are worthy of protection and im not
that others are worth helping and im not
that others are worthy of opportunity after opportunity until one clicks and im not?
i have more goddamned untapped potential and ability
if people didnt think i was some piece of crap that cant do anything
no they think i cant do anything and that im creepy and that is exactly what pisses me off.
because i know i can.
and i know how pure hearted i am
im not them.
and i see things how people should frankly
sometimes there is just right or wrong.
and them giving away rebel after all he's given to them and their program is just wrong.
i dont care about your economics
that is the least he is owed.
and it screams volumes to those of us disabled watching how you hypocritically get rid of those that cant offer you in your opinion enough to be worthy of retaining.
let alone not caring at all the impact this is having on me.
how insulting that what i even do with him is not of any value to them even
that they would retain him souly for that reason too.
sigh i donno
people perpetually disappoint me.
what is any of this all for? can someone tell me?
you have ideals and values
to be jaded and ripped apart
perpetually disappointed with how things should be
and represent themselves by face
but in actuality, are.
i gotta go to sleep.
o ya and my zumba teacher wasnt even there so i didnt even get that bit of happy today.
i just gotta get out of windsor.
whatever you want
send it out into the universe
i am saying I WANT OUT OF HERE.
please God please make me be given a subsidy in the municipality that i long to be in
KW, T.O or Hamilton
any of them will do.
PLEASE just grant me one so i can go.
then ill see about a job there. and some riding there.
maybe even get a car there if it isnt toronto lol
and if it is well then ill at least be where i know.
until im called home.
got my life insurance policy today
gotta wait exactly 1 yr and 11 months until i can off myself
and they legally be entitled to the policy
fuck you cant even leave when you want and do it right.