can

hey

went to feed tonight and twyla was there rubbing all around me

im gonna keep trying to get her even on my non feed nights until i get her

jen said shed pick her up.

i probably could have got her tonight if i had my carrier

it is hard to carry a sack of food and the carrier too she sees it and keeps her distance too

if i could keep it there. but hes a moron

everybody's a moron; why cant they do their jobs?

what else is new the theme of the universe why cant you do that which you are paid to do as a professional and leave to the rest of us regular citizens?

ridick.

the more i think about my folks being invited to my sister's camper and not me the more it insults me.

i was in the pool today after the gym i walked over

and i was swimming and then floating around

i started thinking to myself all of the things that have changed in the past eight years.

so much it is mind blowing

one of the biggest disctinctions of those of us with disabilities, is that our development is minimal if at all in contrast to the vast development and evolution that naturally happens to others

they go through stages in their lives as their lives develop

naturally and progressively evolving.

someone like me, stays stuck.  that is a huge indication or characteristic of those of us with disabilities.

that is not to say we arent progressing ourselves it is just so minimal in contrast to that which others take in stride.

we make millimetres while others have gone 1000s of km.

ours might be more of a transition shift or change internally rather than any kind of real marked outward progress

and what happens is that others a/ dont consider what benefit things have to us as "real" or measurable according to their standards, and give up thinking that we arent being "helped"

and/ or b/ leave us behind.

Here i am in the same place i was eight years ago, swimming in moms pool in july.

my mom is gone even moved on with her life; he's retired and they are endlessly together now doing this and going off there

and good for them

but im where i was eight years ago when she used to be lonely for company and stuck home all the time he was working six days a week not driving herself.

maybe she never really liked my company at all

perhaps she was just desperate

makes you think because she surely isnt missing my company in the least these days.

hurts too

then the kids used to come over to grams and wed all swim and come out and have veggies and dip

the kids were like what 9 and 5 literally

wow where does the time go.

it is a trip.

i remember her being younger than that at the pool super athletic even as a toddler in her water wings and swimmers. little loaded up quads. lol shed climb up that ladder and jump in over and over and over

i think she did that more than stay in the pool and swim actually

and him with his pool breakdowns i want to swim but im afraid. i want to soooo bad.

the kid is me on the deck of life. lmao i want to soooooooooo bad, and you are having a crying melt down too afraid to take the plunge.

i thought about how my mom and step dad would abandon me each summer to go to jellystone

and leave me out of the activities

because he supposedly didnt want to have to drive to the city to get me and drive me home again.

any excuse is good enough to him especially to leave me out.

to all of them in fact.

then it makes me wonder why am i even living here? at least at a distance the alienation and outright rejection doesnt sting as much when you have distance as a buffer

you can make up excuses in your head

o they dont come to see me because or im not included because.

you dont have to face the harsh truth that they just dont want you there.

the end.

my sister sometimes invites me to the family things you know the obligatory gotta ask your family whether you like em or you dont type of deal events

but when it comes to WANTING your company?

im not on the menu or the invite list.

i get it no one wants a difficult or awkward person there when theyre trying to have fun

but no one asks to be disabled.

and my sister who is a social worker of all things should know and understand that more than anyone.

nope.

on disability how far do i get to go? not far.

fun is not often a highlight of my days.

being stuck and limited are. it would be fantastic to sometimes get to do adn see somethings that are new.

or at least out of routine.

hurtful that im not wanted around.

that im that disliked and just unattractive.

reminds me of how im treated everywhere in windsor doesnt it?

not wanted at the school, in counselling ffs, on the crisis line, at the humane society, with my family, now at the barn even.

it hurts. this is why i want to move.

so much has happened to me ive been thru so much shit people cant even begin to imagine.

seriously

and it hasnt only been exclusive to windsor

if people read or knew what ive been through theyd realize my strength? is herculean. seriously

i am so devastated that they just dont want me at the barn.

like devastated.

i cant believe she would give away my touchstone and grounding technique which was the purpose of my therapeutic riding in Rebel; i mean i can believe it because it is manipulative means to an end.

if i leave now because she got rid of him, then shes off the hook for getting rid of me herself.

she never wanted to work with me.

true that.

i love the barn; i love being there and i love the farm reminds me of when i was little. reconciles that some how.

but i loved REBEL most of all.

and i simply cannot believe the betrayal of them getting rid of him, thus getting rid of me all in one fall swoop.

anyone i tell the story too says the same thing

that is deliberate and that is just cruel.

mean spirited unprofessional etc.

try again, hurtful.

i do not ask for my disability to be difficult miserable sometimes etc

i feel like im suffocating in a prison all the time

im so lonely and yet so fearful of people and resentful of people at the same time i just want to be left alone.

it is like a warring dichotomy continuously

you are so unlovable from pain and unable to love

but so lonely.

so unable to do all the things other people take for granted

have a friend go out in public

enjoy events and life.

do the things you want set goals and achieve them.

lord knows ive tried since ive been debilitated by PTSD.

absolutely nothing has succeeded perhaps im just crazy< ha to keep trying

or thinking i even , can.

so what do you do?

you resign yourself to a voided lonely insufferable existence?

or do you keep on trying?

if you give up your dreams you die

what if you cant accomplish your dreams because of a debilitating disorder? then what?

i just dont know

i was thinking about the things that have changed; i spent a summer in that pool doing my pre requisite courses to do the vet tech program

i spent the summer after the vet tech program in that pool well into october because i was so devastated that i wasnt going back to classes anymore after all of that hard work and desire and concerted effort.

for nothing.

story of my life.

nice try basically.

you get to the point you are so depressed and jaded

you dont even want to try anymore

would anyone care?

nope

theyd all be moving on and gone with their lives.

brett is about to go to university

brooke is going into high school

my moms neighbor chris that was chasing me to date

is married and moved away now

his son works with him in the business

once a geeky twelve year old playing swords with his cousins in the backyard

like what four years ago?

a summer where i lost simeon

summer of losing Esmeralda and Jess

this the first summer after that.

thinking of that.

those days when i was in there that were her last.

i think what will change by next summer?

where will we be in another ten years?

who wont be here anymore? what wont be here anymore?

what will have changed?

but the most scary of all to me

is what will NOT have changed?

time is one beast none of us can out run

uncle rick is gone this year before summer even arrived. last summer was his last and im sure he never even knew.

same with Ezzy's.

we dont know our last minute

Nugget is on the decline

so i make a point of spending quality time with her.

i just feel so alone.

and im getting tired of it always being the same,

no matter how hard i try

how much help i seek

how many times i move

how much i ache for change in my heart

im so tired of being stuck and being bored and uninspired and unable.

im just so tired of being me and being disabled.

i hate it.

suffocating in a prison of loneliness. where you want to be alone but are so lonely at the same time equally.

gnite.

 

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