cardigans and specks in the universe

my stomach is killing me today

i finally after like two weeks had a good shower this morning

with hot water and my neighbors not hassling me

ie fucking with the water pressure by flushing etc

i so do not want to go to the gym

i do and i dont i wouldnt mind working out if i didnt have to see or engage with other people.

yet i dont want to be alone equally at the same time.

i asked becky if rebel is gone yet

and she didnt answer me

i wrote paige and asked her if they could keep my rebs until im done my program

only seems fair.

he isnt hurting anything. theyve kept him a year into being out of the program

and i finally work with him again this term

so just let me finish it up.

why not? He IS my program.

I love rebs.  and im gonna miss him beyond measure.

three weeks left is not long enough for me to bond with another nor do i want to

it is called completion closure etc.

I should matter enough and the work i do with him should matter enough

that im allowed to finish with whom im comfortable

as it is she is leaving on the last week of my lessons too

feel the bond like i said.

shrug.

i am absolutely exhausted.

finally cried in the shower.

i wish i could just stay home. but i cant

tomorrow im busy with my stable stuff and dunno yet if im going to wings or not

after nancy was such an ass hanging up on me.

you know she could apologize imagine that

im a human being too with feelings

and i matter too

nope they are so self righteous and subordinating< thats the key prejudiced piece right there not just nancy the town in general

that they think they can treat me like shit in the first

and then not care.

melanie coulter is a prime example of that

all that bigot does is argue with me

well what makes you think he is going to poison them? a lot of people have issues with not liking outdoor cats she says

and they dont poison them.

o go fuckn argue with yourself.

this the bitch that when i call and report about a dog being starved to death literally ignores me until brandon is taking his dog out of the apartment building dead in a garbage bag

and melanie automatically attributes my reporting him to "me having conflict with my neighbors" implying that im lying out of spite etc.

bitch i had no issue with brandon he lived down the hallway

and im not you or windsor i wouldnt make up shit

if it werent true

to get at people especially through an animal

make her excuses to not do her job like always

she is the most ill equipped unprofessional asshole

she does not care about animals

no she doesnt

sorry but nope.

and as far as the 400 something cats they are whining about at the humane society

welp

if you actually did more than expect your community to pick up and do your job for which you are paid and have the supposed professional expertise and the resources for then you wouldnt have 400 something cats.

i have no compassion for them.

the cats yes them no

i said eight years ago, use your truck mobilize caregivers and trap spay neuter and re release.

i have said license cats and make mandatory spay neuter an aspect of pet ownership.

nope.

regular citizens should not be expected to wrangle with feral cats and bring them in just because the city issues vouchers.

the vouchers do not go far enough ive said that for forever.

we shouldnt have to do their job with a voucher.

do it yourself.

pick up the cats alter them and if  you know there is a caregiver

re release them.

adopt the ones you can and euthanize the ones you cannot.

it is called common sense.

although she likes to paint me as crazy and passionate and refusing an abortion etc.

when i brought in the cat asking for one = callie?

my friends are so not there for me when im upset about funeral and loss and emotion

also havent heard a damn thing from the people ive written about my rental subsidy

i guess ill take to phoning again today.

im tired and sore and restless and lonely

there was a man that shook my hand at the wake that said he was friends with uncle rick at the golf course

he literally teared up saying how much he enjoyed being friends with uncle rick etc

im glad that uncle rick finally was able to connect with others in his older years

because i know uncle rick struggled like i do to relate to others because of his ptsd and his pain.

anyways if im doing anything i best get it in gear.

just want to walk

and drink tea and wear a sweater and watch tv.

thats the inside mood i weather today

what is the point of love? when everything is so precarious

it fills that in between i spoke of in my last entry

other than that we are all just passing through

dust in the wind.

we are all here for a moment

then gone in with the new

like a speck in the universe. if even that

we matter to whomever in our circle if even that

and then we are gone; they are gone the times are gone

and forgotten

only remembered in the DNA that continues down the road.

weird.

just baffling

if melanie is going to pick up twyla and the truck is going to be in these parts

she might as well pick up pooter ive asked them to pick up for over a year too

gday

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