comon sun

morning

so i am up with the birds putting together my donation for the diabetes pick up truck

im sure someone in this building namely dum and dummer or the landlord

will remove the bags clearly marked in the front of the building for them

and trash them.

but that is what i was up to this morning

no good deed goes unpunished they say.

you know i got to thinking about it

last week and a half about i have not been feeling myself.

i told Tami that on the phone

that i felt really agitated and had stomach pains severe constipation i mean like i didnt go for about four to five days which is not normally like me.

metallic taste in my mouth and then this odd crashing out

you know Nadine is always fucking with my head making all sorts of comments

o someone tried to break into my apartment trying to scare me or lay the groundwork for their dirty deeds etc.

she was going on before repeatedly about "white powder" being in the hallway etc

she even told the cop that when i complained about my bird feeder gone missing

i got to thinking about it with the weird ass chemical weirdness i have felt

never have i felt that before ever

and the metallic taste is so severe in your mouth and then you feel nauseated and that

id put nothing past those two drug using drug dealing douche bags

to put fentanyl powder, spray etc on surfaces that they KNOW id touch.

they know if i say this to people too you all will think my cheese has slipped off my cracker.

well if you felt how i have for the last approximate week and a half

the tell tale signs of agitation, metallic taste, SEVERE constipation dizziness sleepiness afterwards etc nausea youd be wondering the same thing too

hey she kind of preluded to it or foreshadowed with her innuendo of 'white powder' being in the hall

that's nadine thinks she's clever.

i swear to you that is what has been going on because i have not felt right

for about a week and a half

not just ptsd ups and downs or crazy period

i mean chemically off.

i even told Tami that.

so you gotta wonder.

i have started using a barrier to go in and out etc

what would stop them from spraying the nose spray on door knobs handles mailboxes etc.

kind of makes you paranoid doesnt it?

my sister is having my mom up to her trailer for a couple of days and of course as per social worker sister usual

im not even included.

thats not nice.

mom said i can come and hang out and use the pool and that

but my sister is rude not including me

she knows i dont get to go far having no car

and being disabled.

i really dont have a lot of change of scenary at all

and im lonely sad and bored most of the time.

she doesnt even include me because theyd be too uncomfortable with my discomfort

and therefore having me around

another symptom ive had is a severe headache too

so ill have periods of rage twice last week youd think i was on something seriously like a crack head behavior

yelling on the phone if anyone heard me walking down the street

then afterwards i have the headache metallic taste sleepiness i almost slept two full days too

so it is like drugs. it feels off like drugs in my system too.

i have never done drugs i will never use drugs.

so

you gotta wonder like i said

id put nothing past bobby and nadine

theyve been oddly quiet and well behaved lately

so they are suspect i said that to tami

they are smirking at me when they see me in public but dont talk to me

except to tell me about signs with my picture on it from the shrink ? and that people were trying to break into their unit. ?

oddly quiet like they are up to something.

and i think ive figured it out

seriously

last night i was going to go to the hospital for the weird side effects

dizziness clumsiness headache etc

the barrier thing since has lessened the feeling of "off"

how would i ever proove this?

and they know if i tell anyone this they will think im losing it.

but i swear to you this is how ive felt.

i told tami chemically even, "off".

not how i normally feel when im unwell from my PTSD. ive had that for a good chunk of time now so i sort of know when it is that and im just not doing well

this has been different.

i think i bombed out my job chance

i called late on saturday night and cancelled my attendance

because of the sign that shrink put in his yard and some group of teenagers calling me a crazy cat lady walking down the street

to everything

i just felt off and escalated and figured i wouldnt be able to handle it.

at least i called in.

i really hope they will have me in again

i dont want to fuck it up

i would like to work for them two days a week to start thats it

and then work it up

maybe three or four tho max

two would be perfect

im dreading the orientation the most to tell you the truth

the hands on on the floor stuff is what i cant wait to do

bring on dem apples. lol

its getting there that is hard for me im old school train me on the floor.

amata has been acting like a crazy clown this morning.

nugget is having a hard time with her teeth.

charlotte has suddenly become more and more affectionate with me

i guess she can see i need a friend.

aunt therese is supposed to be back on july 10th there around.

that woman that was one of her charges as a educational assistant was hanging around me at the funeral?

she and i were trying to be friends on the facebook?

and then her mom was questioning my intentions? yuck

for real lady you are a weirdo

so i just deleted tina from my face book

im not dealing with that

so her toxic mother keeps tina isolated basically

all i wanted to do was be a friend; she is disabled and lonely so am i

she is young mind  you but i had/ve no sinister intentions! i wouldnt be hard to hunt down

im aunt therese's niece

and they had no problem with her clinging to me like a rhesus monkey at the funeral

if im so untoward right?

her mom sounds like mine.

ive been trying to go two days supplement free.

clean out my hatch.

other than my b vitamins trying to take nothing more.

they say you should rotate them out anyways.

i hope it doesnt rain that way i can get to moms pool today and tomorrow too

anyways i guess ill go work out

there is a job fair this week for the new metro

i would love to get in there too that one is just a single bus ride away and closer to walk.

id like four hour shifts too

just enough but not too much.

but the produce one sounds better suited to my abilities. less people

so two longer shifts just less frequently per week

id love the produce i would i know i would

i just hope i didnt fuck it up

i also have an appointment about the old gym

i hope that works out too.

since it dont ever look like im gonna get the housing i need elsewhere.

rolling my eyes.

talk to you later have a good day.

got my barriers in my pocket.

pretty ridiculous way to have to live.

and no one would believe me if i told them

she is so stupid she even said it to the cops that came that night about the bird feeder

white powder in the hallways white powder in the hallways she tries to get under your skin or gets thru it with her fentanyl.

seriously.

wow.

i still cant believe that becky gave away my horse.  he was / is my entire program and the only horse there i trusted.

i dont understand why they "had" to do it it was optional and they dont even know what is going on with him as we speak.

i just hope he is ok.

anyways :(

ill talk to you later. cmon sun.

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