and at the end of the week
or the beginning
depending on your perspective
i sit in quiet reflection of the week past
and contemplate the week ahead of me
we are funny creatures us human beings
we long for and grieve that which has left us
without appreciating what's in front of us.
or at least not equally so
my step dad was 'sick' yesterday
his first father's day weekend without Jessica
mind you every other father's day previously
he would hurt over the fact that she would barely breathe an acknowledgment in his direction
she didnt even have him to her wedding!
my mom automatically blamed the ex wife saying she didn't want my mom there and that was the excuse or reason
Jessica didn't want her father there
but I'm sure there was more to the story.
I'm sure Art knows the story and that is why his stomach was hurting him yesterday. all day.
didn't leave the bed or the couch.
maybe he was just ill or had a touch of the flu
but i think he was more heart sick than anything
Then there's me.
I've never had a father to speak of; i had a destructive force alcoholic
and I've always wanted a father.
Art would do my step dad.
but he? has never wanted anything to do with loving me.
I have always felt that what i have to offer
others do not want
they turn their noses up wanting something different
like the cat that sits at the shelter for a third or more of its' life waiting for someone to 'choose' them count them worthy
of loving them or giving them even, a chance.
so he is lying on the couch heart sick for what he wishes he had had with Jessica and missing what he did when they were younger
while i sit across the room looking at him
that I've never had a father and he would never want
to love me.
yes we are strange creatures us human beings.
the big breasted woman wishes she had smaller breasts
and the smaller breasted woman wishes she had some
and the short woman that everyone is calling fat wishes she was taller
and the taller woman that everyone is calling too skinny
wishes she was shorter
and so it goes.
I feel a ripped open sadness when i think of the fact that my mom couldnt be bothered to come to the barn for me or with me
for what was special to me
to see my rebs just one more time
to know that what matters to me and makes up my life
no matter how miniscule being disabled
means absolutely nothing to her
and she longs for a relationship and closeness with my sister and brother
who independently want no close relationship with her
and i long to be loved by her
and she would rather love them those that really dont need nor want her.
again, strange creatures we are.
wanting what we do not have
wanting what we cannot have.
instead of appreciating what we have
we are all guilty of it
if only .... then life would be better
if only i could .....
if only they would
I went to the interview on friday
i walked 4.9 miles there and 4.9 miles back home
have not even got in touch with me as promised to let me know their decision
some how in the conversation the fact that i have anxiety came out
and immediately they closed er down.
again no one chooses me.
screw the group training and the computer modules
lets go back to good old old school
put me on the floor and train me.
let me do the JOB.
that is what im best at.
not even given a chance. not you
sort of like my step dad.
I have been called fat by so many people the last few weeks.
i guess those summer clothes are blaring out my indiscretions.
well let me put it to you like this
unless i am unwell
eating almost next to nothing literally not just in perception
and exercising until i am breaking down my body
i am not a naturally "skinny" person
never have been
i am athletic and thicker.
i am not fat; but i am definitely not waifer.
most of the people commenting on my "fatness' are fat themselves.
referring to it as "winter fat" or menopause fat or whatever.
the only thing fat around here is your mouth.
and further more ? so what if i am.
what is it to anyone anyways?
fat is such a relative term anyway. each frame and each person carries things differently anyways
and we are back to that point of reference thing
someone going without food
and basic needs as i was for a very long time
would love the comfort of having enough food
and the ability to relax and REST enough
to BE fat or fatter.
other people rest and other people enjoy food's pleasure
why am i not allowed without people's commentary.
leave me alone.
i have almost never had a restful peaceful life ever.
at least in windsor sometimes im able to sit in my wee rocking chair with my little wee cats
and watch my favorite retro shows and belly laugh and breathe.
why do i always have to be burning calories
no one else is doing that are they.
most people have social eating and friends with whom to enjoy
and i tell you i barely over eat anyways honest and true.
it is just my metabolism always has been
and what has inclined me to extremes and eating disorders or over exercising
because i am not naturally a skinny person.
the yoga teacher says outloud a couple of sundays ago
do you know what size pant im in she declares?
an 8! im obese she says.
im thinking wow.
do you think before you open your mouth?
what about the other women in the room that are 8s 10s 12s etc
just so oppressive and dum.
and so begins the week im dreading the most
to say good bye to my Rebel.
and to know that my mom cares so little for that which matters to me
she didnt even want to come and say good bye to him
didnt even matter to her.
that which i love is leaving.
she is very insensitive.
she says her mom was too
well she has always been
she claims to be sentimental
but then again she is dichotomous because she is harsh a lot of the times
at least where im concerned.
this day holds so many loaded feelings for me.
having a "father' as i did.
it makes me think of pepe moms dad
and it makes me think of my brother being a dad.
At least i know i can always count on one Father
when everything else and everyone else in this world lets me down
or abandons or rejects me
i know i have Him.
woke up this morning
to a cat meowing outside of my window
i fear that the neighbors are not taking care of Lola their dog properly
she was looking quite mangey in the window
unkempt long hair in the hot weather
gook in her eyes
never take her out anymore to go to the bathroom
or for walks
you used to always see them do that at least.
you never see her on the deck with them or hear her barking
i did hear a dog whimpering the other day and couldnt source it
i hope they / he are not abusing that dog.
It isnt like i can report it because then they would be retributive.
i hope they have not sold her
or given her to a dog ring.
Poor Lola always looking at me with that imploring look in her eyes.
yes, i start the day out with quiet reflection and introspection
with a melancholy in my heart and stomach.
little things we brush off and dont bother doing for or with one another
that really mean so much to someone.
makes a lasting mark a scar on your heart.
it really does.
now for one of the biggest ones of all
some how having to say good bye to Rebs.
First it was my Esmeralda a therapy animal last summer at 20yrs old
now it is my Rebs.
talk to you later.