if only

and at the end of the week

or the beginning

depending on your perspective

i sit in quiet reflection of the week past

and contemplate the week ahead of me

assumably

we are funny creatures us human beings

we long for and grieve that which has left us

without appreciating what's in front of us.

or at least not equally so

my step dad was 'sick' yesterday

his first father's day weekend without Jessica

mind you every other father's day previously

he would hurt over the fact that she would barely breathe an acknowledgment in his direction

she didnt even have him to her wedding!

my mom automatically blamed the ex wife saying she didn't want my mom there and that was the excuse or reason

Jessica didn't want her father there

but I'm sure there was more to the story.

I'm sure Art knows the story and that is why his stomach was hurting him yesterday. all day.

didn't leave the bed or the couch.

maybe he was just ill or had a touch of the flu

but i think he was more heart sick than anything

Then there's me.

I've never had a father to speak of; i had a destructive force alcoholic

and I've always wanted a father.

Art would do my step dad.

but he? has never wanted anything to do with loving me.

I have always felt that what i have to offer

others do not want

they turn their noses up wanting something different

better.

like the cat that sits at the shelter for a third or more of its' life waiting for someone to 'choose' them count them worthy

of loving them or giving them even, a chance.

so he is lying on the couch heart sick for what he wishes he had had with Jessica and missing what he did when they were younger

while i sit across the room looking at him

heart sick

that I've never had a father and he would never want

to love me.

yes we are strange creatures us human beings.

the big breasted woman wishes she had smaller breasts

and the smaller breasted woman wishes she had some

and the short woman that everyone is calling fat wishes she was taller

and the taller woman that everyone is calling too skinny

wishes she was shorter

etc etc

and so it goes.

I feel a ripped open sadness when i think of the fact that my mom couldnt be bothered to come to the barn for me or with me

for what was special to me

to see my rebs just one more time

to know that what matters to me and makes up my life

no matter how miniscule being disabled

means absolutely nothing to her

and she longs for a relationship and closeness with my sister and brother

who independently want no close relationship with her

and i long to be loved by her

and she would rather love them those that really dont need nor want her.

again, strange creatures we are.

wanting what we do not have

wanting what we cannot have.

instead of appreciating what we have

we are all guilty of it

including myself.

if only .... then life would be better

if only i could .....

if only they would

I went to the interview on friday

i walked 4.9 miles there and 4.9 miles back home

and they?

have not even got in touch with me as promised to let me know their decision

some how in the conversation the fact that i have anxiety came out

and immediately they closed er down.

again no one chooses me.

screw the group training and the computer modules

lets go back to good old old school

put me on the floor and train me.

let me do the JOB.

that is what im best at.

nope.

not even given a chance. not you

someone else.

sort of like my step dad.

I have been called fat by so many people the last few weeks.

i guess those summer clothes are blaring out my indiscretions.

well let me put it to you like this

unless i am unwell

eating almost next to nothing literally not just in perception

and exercising until i am breaking down my body

i am not a naturally "skinny" person

never have been

i am athletic and thicker.

i am not fat; but i am definitely not waifer.

most of the people commenting on my "fatness' are fat themselves.

referring to it as "winter fat" or menopause fat or whatever.

the only thing fat around here is your mouth.

and further more ? so what if i am.

what is it to anyone anyways?

fat is such a relative term anyway. each frame and each person carries things differently anyways

and we are back to that point of reference thing

someone going without food

and basic needs as i was for a very long time

would love the comfort of having enough food

and the ability to relax and REST enough

to BE fat or fatter.

imagine that.

other people rest and other people enjoy food's pleasure

why am i not allowed without people's commentary.

leave me alone.

i have almost never had a restful peaceful life ever.

at least in windsor sometimes im able to sit in my wee rocking chair with my little wee cats

and watch my favorite retro shows and belly laugh and breathe.

why do i always have to be burning calories

no one else is doing that are they.

most people have social eating and friends with whom to enjoy

i dont

and i tell you i barely over eat anyways honest and true.

it is just my metabolism always has been

and what has inclined me to extremes and eating disorders or over exercising

because i am not naturally a skinny person.

nope.

the yoga teacher says outloud a couple of sundays ago

do you know what size pant im in she declares?

an 8! im obese she says.

im thinking wow.

do you think before you open your mouth?

what about the other women in the room that are 8s 10s 12s etc

just so oppressive and dum.

and so begins the week im dreading the most

to say good bye to my Rebel.

sigh.

exhale. literally

and to know that my mom cares so little for that which matters to me

she didnt even want to come and say good bye to him

didnt even matter to her.

that which i love is leaving.

she is very insensitive.

she says her mom was too

well she has always been

she claims to be sentimental

but then again she is dichotomous because she is harsh a lot of the times

at least where im concerned.

this day holds so many loaded feelings for me.

having a "father' as i did.

or none

it makes me think of pepe moms dad

and it makes me think of my brother being a dad.

At least i know i can always count on one Father

when everything else and everyone else in this world lets me down

or abandons or rejects me

i know i have Him.

still, lonesome.

woke  up this morning

to a cat meowing outside of my window

literally

i fear that the neighbors are not taking care of Lola their dog properly

she was looking quite mangey in the window

unkempt long hair in the hot weather

gook in her eyes

never take her out anymore to go to the bathroom

or for walks

you used to always see them do that at least.

you never see her on the deck with them or hear her barking

i did hear a dog whimpering the other day and couldnt source it

i hope they / he are not abusing that dog.

It isnt like i can report it because then they would be retributive.

i hope they have not sold her

or given her to a dog ring.

Poor Lola always looking at me with that imploring look in her eyes.

SAVE ME.

yes, i start the day out with quiet reflection and introspection

with a melancholy in my heart and stomach.

little things we brush off and dont bother doing for or with one another

that really mean so much to someone.

makes a lasting mark a scar on your heart.

it really does.

now for one of the biggest ones of all

some how having to say good bye to Rebs.

First it was my Esmeralda a therapy animal last summer at 20yrs old

now it is my Rebs.

talk to you later.

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