in your blindness

everytime you love

you lose.

its true.

every time you allow yourself to become connected to someone or something or some place

you end up hurt.

every single time

through loss.

whether that is death or loss. so whats the point?

it makes life richer?

until theyre gone.

it fills the in between

until they dont?

i mean really what is with this human condition?

we as women especially are not allowed to just be us in our natural states.

not allowed.

or else you are consistently judged, rejected, hurt and commented on.

it this saturation of the patriarch that makes other women often the worst still to one another.

i seriously cannot stand the energy and dynamics of my gym

so immature and just freakn awful.

whos in who isnt the clique.

piss off.

seriously grow the mother fuck up

those who take hormones and walk around in their brand name clothing at 70 literally


im sorry gag.

even senior citizen women compete. i mean seriously? mean girls in the geriatrics department.

when i was at the barn this old lady says to me i had said i rode him because emily was riding titan and she goes why would  YOU ride that horse or ride here?

then she says why is that little girl riding here? she isnt disabled?

omg you ignorant fuck.

good to know the insecure wrath of the patriarch doesnt out grow

and even old ladies like to feel "superior than" and pick on someone.


so i did cardio and yoga today

omg we had a different teacher?


i didnt like her stares a lot vibe singling me out with her non verbals basically the entire class.

fuck and off. namaste.

then they wonder why people become unmotivated to work out or move.

or go out your fuckn house for gods sakes.

you are rejected picked on even if it isnt overt by EXCLUSION and your non verbals are screaming as my sister would put it.


rolling my eyes.

so much for peaceful zen for real.

o well i challenged my body

she is not a good teacher either not good at cueing and instruction just as basics

we are in the middle of a balance pose and then she changes it and expects us to be able to smoothly move into the next pose without looking at her

well not all of us have done your boring repetitive release classes a million times and can predict in perfection what is coming next.

ive only just started going back to these yoga classes.

from YEARS ago

so you might think? of TEACHING. that is in fact what you are paid for

not to "look good" or "better" than the rest of us at the front of the class as an "exhibit"

man i swear sometimes im not of this world


i certainly do not look at things the same as the majority

never have never will.

even when i was a kid

i was an independent thinker and a non conformist

not to be difficult just who i truly am

that is why i like toronto

room to be DIFFERENT without persecution.

imagine that

we think of the country as wide open and free

until the old fashion dogma of the patriarch suffocates and oppresses you within it.

amen to that sister amen

when we do the relaxation part of class

i am almost always back on my farm where i was raised as a kid

about 11yrs old before my body started to change

"tom boy" as they say..... running through the speckled sun light as it dapples on the tassles of the field corn of our crop farm....

i see Ezzy and Simeon with me running and playing or walking along side of me.

and there was always a horse.

now that horse has a face.

we all lay down in the pasture behind our crops with the wild wheat chaff in my hands as i pull it up as i walk peacefully along side the fields laneway

we lay down

my head against the belly of that horse and my cats curl up with me at my feet.

staring up at the clouds.

and we nap in that delicious sun

loved and perfect and accepted just as we are.

short fat skinny thin rich poor nice ugly smart stupid


pure peaceful bliss of unconditional acceptance

under God's arch of blue.

That horse now has a name.

That's my Rebel's belly i rest in.

i burst out crying in yoga relaxation today no sound just big tears down my face.

Im gonna miss him beyond words.

i dont think it is fair they are taking him.

last summer i lost my therapy Ezzy girl

now my Rebel.

why do i  not matter enough to keep him for me?

that hurts my feelings.

because again i see myself as worth it

as worthy

and the measure stick of this world

money, cost, inconvenience usability

what you can and cant contribute.

i mean it is a therapeutic barn seems ironic that they would discard him because he is disabled.


so he cant contribute what the others can

what he can contribute, matters you know.

it matters to ME.

and i matter.

you might not think so according to your societal checklist of what is valuable in this world.

but i know the TRUTH

we are of value

whether you are too disabled yourself to see in your blindness.



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