everytime you love
every time you allow yourself to become connected to someone or something or some place
you end up hurt.
every single time
whether that is death or loss. so whats the point?
it makes life richer?
until theyre gone.
it fills the in between
until they dont?
i mean really what is with this human condition?
we as women especially are not allowed to just be us in our natural states.
or else you are consistently judged, rejected, hurt and commented on.
it this saturation of the patriarch that makes other women often the worst still to one another.
i seriously cannot stand the energy and dynamics of my gym
so immature and just freakn awful.
whos in who isnt the clique.
seriously grow the mother fuck up
those who take hormones and walk around in their brand name clothing at 70 literally
im sorry gag.
even senior citizen women compete. i mean seriously? mean girls in the geriatrics department.
when i was at the barn this old lady says to me i had said i rode him because emily was riding titan and she goes why would YOU ride that horse or ride here?
then she says why is that little girl riding here? she isnt disabled?
omg you ignorant fuck.
good to know the insecure wrath of the patriarch doesnt out grow
and even old ladies like to feel "superior than" and pick on someone.
so i did cardio and yoga today
omg we had a different teacher?
i didnt like her stares a lot vibe singling me out with her non verbals basically the entire class.
fuck and off. namaste.
then they wonder why people become unmotivated to work out or move.
or go out your fuckn house for gods sakes.
you are rejected picked on even if it isnt overt by EXCLUSION and your non verbals are screaming as my sister would put it.
rolling my eyes.
so much for peaceful zen for real.
o well i challenged my body
she is not a good teacher either not good at cueing and instruction just as basics
we are in the middle of a balance pose and then she changes it and expects us to be able to smoothly move into the next pose without looking at her
well not all of us have done your boring repetitive release classes a million times and can predict in perfection what is coming next.
ive only just started going back to these yoga classes.
from YEARS ago
so you might think? of TEACHING. that is in fact what you are paid for
not to "look good" or "better" than the rest of us at the front of the class as an "exhibit"
man i swear sometimes im not of this world
i certainly do not look at things the same as the majority
never have never will.
even when i was a kid
i was an independent thinker and a non conformist
not to be difficult just who i truly am
that is why i like toronto
room to be DIFFERENT without persecution.
we think of the country as wide open and free
until the old fashion dogma of the patriarch suffocates and oppresses you within it.
amen to that sister amen
when we do the relaxation part of class
i am almost always back on my farm where i was raised as a kid
about 11yrs old before my body started to change
"tom boy" as they say..... running through the speckled sun light as it dapples on the tassles of the field corn of our crop farm....
i see Ezzy and Simeon with me running and playing or walking along side of me.
and there was always a horse.
now that horse has a face.
we all lay down in the pasture behind our crops with the wild wheat chaff in my hands as i pull it up as i walk peacefully along side the fields laneway
we lay down
my head against the belly of that horse and my cats curl up with me at my feet.
staring up at the clouds.
and we nap in that delicious sun
loved and perfect and accepted just as we are.
short fat skinny thin rich poor nice ugly smart stupid
pure peaceful bliss of unconditional acceptance
under God's arch of blue.
That horse now has a name.
That's my Rebel's belly i rest in.
i burst out crying in yoga relaxation today no sound just big tears down my face.
Im gonna miss him beyond words.
i dont think it is fair they are taking him.
last summer i lost my therapy Ezzy girl
now my Rebel.
why do i not matter enough to keep him for me?
that hurts my feelings.
because again i see myself as worth it
and the measure stick of this world
money, cost, inconvenience usability
what you can and cant contribute.
i mean it is a therapeutic barn seems ironic that they would discard him because he is disabled.
so he cant contribute what the others can
what he can contribute, matters you know.
it matters to ME.
and i matter.
you might not think so according to your societal checklist of what is valuable in this world.
but i know the TRUTH
we are of value
whether you are too disabled yourself to see in your blindness.