optional

so completely and utterly suicidal and you the know the truth is

absolutely no one gives a shit

in fact i live in a society where they dare you to

off yourself

good riddance to old garbage in their opinions.

you offer us nothing parasite to society

no one answers me even

you can even tell them im nearing the breaking point

im going to end up killing myself incarcerated for snapping or in the hospital

and they dont care

still

still no answer

no response

no meeting of your needs

apathy.

They got rid of Rebel from the barn just to get rid of me.

and thats the truth of it all

manipulative and passive aggressive

and i have nothing to say to any of them

i hate their living guts right now

because it isnt even necessary.

they can feed their bullshit rhetoric to someone stupid enough to believe them

but ill tell you this

especially disgusting is someone that holds someone's mental illness and disability?

against them.

that dislikes them for something? they didnt ask for in the first place and would prefer not to have besides.

what i cant get over too is their total lack of compassion for me and the animal himself

for ten years he gave service to that barn to the people that otherwise in life are mistreated

and they have no love for him

they just give him to some asshole they know nothing about

because why?

they dont care.

that is the truth

and it disgusts me. no one cares

you say you are at your breaking point and they dont care

they say they love animals and honor and respect them

and yet they can do an animal like they have Rebel

was the star of their show

and now that he too is disabled.

he is discarded like second rate garbage

and i dont agree with it

and i dont like them for it

if they wanted to be rid of me theyve succeeded.

because i dont agree with the premise of them getting rid of him in the least.

he is my entire program

what am i nothing?

what is he? a commodity? a nothing too?

that when his glory days are behind him you betray him too like everyone has me writing me off like yesterdays news and throwing me in the garbage too

so disrespectful and disgusting.

i matter too i have feelings and i deserve respect and appreciation and decency TOO

so does Rebel

what do they begin to know about this woman anyway nothing

the dumb bitch comes with a truck and a hitch and is a smoothie comes to see his environment and meet him

and do a good acting job

but what do they know about her and her facility at all

NOTHING.

Rebel could be lying in a fuckn dump right now bug infested or standing outside fending off coyotes in the rain

they dont know and they dont care.

what about his vet care? and his arthritis medication what about that

what about them not riding him and making him more lame

what about if they feed him even or just have him grass fed so he can die from colic and bloat

they might not care about him but i love him like he was my own.

in fact i think he was more mine then theirs because they obviously dont care

now that he has nothing to offer them

in their small minded opinions because in their small minded opinions what he does with ME and I dont matter

they are throwing him out to anywhere virtually.

bullshit and unacceptable. he deserves better than that what a betrayal

and i deserve better too

you dont take someone with PTSD and have them form a trust bond to an animal

and then just take it from them because.

that is abusive sick twisted and damaging

it isnt necessary and that is my key issue with all of it plus the disgusting display of no ethics

betrayal.

poor Rebel.

he is thinking what did i do wrong? why did they leave me here? what if the other horses pick on him or the people mistreat him dont feed him dont take care of him make him totally lame

what if the youth mistreat him?

you should see her goddamn facility before you ever give him to anyone.

period.

for real?

unreal.

they dont even care of me. let alone a horse

i write the housing people i need out i tell them i cant keep bearing this violence

i have been on the phone where they have witnessed sacc counsellors the violence dished on me daily three times in fact in one one hour walk.

i tell them i am going to kill myself end up arrested for snapping or hospitalized and they literally

ignore me.

they could find a subsidy if they wanted to

dont tell me you cant when it is i wont.

same with Rebel

they could keep him if they wanted to

if they thought that what he does with me that I was worth it

but they dont.

and that is the most hurtful disgusting burning betraying thing ever.

Once youre broken we dont want you

isnt that the theme of the world?

they can afford to keep him

they choose not to

they are doing it on purpose to get rid of me.

they dont want me there and this is the way to do it

let alone what they are doing to him

they should be ashamed of themselves but that would take a human compassion and a conscience.

people just suck

and all this serves to do is make my PTSD worse still

i think the thing that burns me the most is that all of it is optional

they dont have to anything they dont

they are not hurting for money they paid for his keep the entire time he was working with no one

and as soon as he is working with me again it is suddenly IMPERATIVE that they get rid of him?

it is outrageously cruel.

they have always been mean to me always

from being called fat to the other volunteer making the comments about medication to becky not wanting me there from the jump lying to me about sue being too sick to work with me.

they are mean spirited and cruel.

and i hate them.

if they wanted to get rid of me theyve succeeded.

because i hate them beyond words for what theyve done here

and i will never forgive them unless they bring my horse back.

this is why people kill themselves.

because that is exactly what you want us to do

push us to do

lead us to do

because youre all bigots you think that if something isnt whole as you see fit

that we have nothing to contribute

i am a better spirit on this earth than you will ever be.

clearly

at least when i care about someone or something it is true and real

not just borne out of convenience and what i can get from it how i can use someone.

poor Rebel.

i only pray he is safe and ok.

sick mean spirited abusive and just sick to me.

 

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