random thoughts

so many thoughts and things to write about and the days roll in and out and i dont write anymore....

just trying to recover i find.

so, things to talk about....

on thursday when i was having such a hard day; first day of riding being over for summer and Rebel being gone, i didnt leave the house until 7pm.

I think that was a record for me.

never have i ever stayed in all day like that although i have often felt like doing that my desire to be outside usually over rides the anxiety.

This time? nope. i spent most of the day in bed sad about everything.

finally i pulled myself up to go get cat food for my community cats for that night's round

and i was walking home on my usual route bags in tow.

i saw a gaggle of police in front of a house and a bunch of neighbors gawking and gathered.

as i walked up i said to the neighbors whats up? because i didnt want to walk into a hornet's nest if something was going down etc. i would have turned off

the old man said do you remember that man that lived at that house up there with the german shepherd dog and the motorcycle?

he was 46? i said vaguely yes i remember him

he says "he killed himself"

i found that totally ironic on the thursday i was practically unable to leave the house.

even over this dead man's body the neighbors were speaking badly of him "o he was very negative" the man says in his thick accent

well maybe he had reason to be.

i mean neighbors like you? who wouldnt kill themselves?

it was really outrageous. i said how long was he dead before they found him

two weeks.

now that is a person that was truly alone.

i would have been exactly the same in toronto

the only way they would have found me was by stench alone and when the rent was due

as i paid in cheque deposit in the rent deposit box there.

he would have eventually came looking for his money and found my rotting carcass.

then when i walked passed i went on the opposite side of where all the cops were where the house was.... the fn cops were laughing.

i thought that was most disgusting.

i told my ex gf that holly and she defends them

well they have to do what they have to do to make their jobs manageable she says

excuse me? you dont laugh at a suicide scene. if for nothing else as a soldier you are trained to be NEUTRAL. that is why you can jump around in the guards face and he wont laugh or break etc.

that's the point.

unprofessional and inhumane

and again you wonder why the dude killed himself.

as far as the riding thing is concerned i dont know what i even think or feel about it at all at this point.

they never did put up my tribute to rebel like they promised and i dont know right now if i even want to go back.

i have another term paid for by the hospital.  i will retain my spot until im more sure what i want to do and ill let them and the hospital know as i figure it out

right now im too wracked with grief over Rebel to even know what i want to do.


so i will just let that sink in.

shaking my head.

they did not need to get rid of him whatsoever

and they did it by choice.

i dont think i like them very much right now.

if for nothing else

they dont understand ptsd very well at all.

he was my grounding touchstone.

and i wasnt done there yet

they should have kept the only horse that im comfortable with and that was working for me.  why would you take away something that was helping someone out as much as he was?

makes no sense.

becky says horses come and horses go.

well maybe in your regular equine industry but not in therapeutic riding.

we bond with the horse and that is hard enough for someone with as bad of ptsd as i have.

they might not care about animals well i do.

and i dont think it is fair to me, nor him.

they should have and could have, kept him.

end of discussion.

what are they about to do with me now if i do go back? for real?

who am i going to work with

and then ill be afraid of connecting to them for real and letting them really help me for fear of them being removed again.

tomorrow is fiddy's 3rd year anniversary of being gone.

sad to say but i had forgotten the date of her death until it came up on my face book memory feed.

she was only 15.  she didnt last very long and the staff at walker road animal hospital were assholes that wouldnt didnt help her even tho i had been there four times with her before she ultimately died

it was horrible. she was seizing etc. they should be ashamed of themselves. those without consciences never are however.

just like the horse.

caesar passed away too at the end of may and i found out on july 1 long weekend. it has been one year for him and dee too.


shaking my head. soon it will be one year for ezzy girl and jess.

time just rolls on

one more day clicked off our egg timer.

until there is no more left.

think about that for a minute

speaking of which nugget is really slowing down.

her teeth are giving her trouble that is how ezzy started too

nugget is 18.

so she aint no spring chicken either.

ezzy was 19 almost 20 when she passed. just two months shy of twenty

i went to national service dogs of canada to see about getting a service dog for ptsd

and they wont give you one if your ptsd is not from front line service or military service.

i think that is bullshit

it should be according to your diagnosis; one type of ptsd is not anymore noble than another i beg your fuckn patriarchal pardon.

sickening in the year 2017. i am thinking of making a human rights tribunal complaint against them on that basis too. watch and see.

i went to get my license renewed yesterday and what a fuckn fiasco that was

some woman that worked there having a seizure because i got into the elevator with her accidentally that was going down.

she was calling security i was like so ill ride down and ride back up what difference does it make

its a free country if i want to do that in a public elevator what is the big freakn deal i mean she was having a full kaniption fit

and the woman that served me? what a fuckn rude bigoted bitch.

rude rude rude time to retire old hag

and who do you even complain to

no one listens anyways that is the problem with our society no accountability.


there was some weird ass woman at the gym ( im a magnet ) that was competing with me for how long i stayed there

i had said hi to her earlier and she looks super weird/ rough etc

well again wrong thing to do obviously

you cant even be nice to people without them being exploitive wackos.


anyways i best be moving

hopefully get to swim today it has been a week.

i ran on my tread today too.

i am taking the job thing one minute at a time.

if it works good if it works for a short period of time

fine whatever

ill do my best with my stress tolerance

at least im trying. that is the best i can do.

btw Saadia Ahmad said she would call me yesterday at 12 noon

never ever called.

what a rude sob.

she is the one that quit on me too as a counsellor abandoned me last summer when i was having the worst summer of my life. literally people dying left right and center

and she disappeared i kept calling and calling

finally i complained to her superior and then she officially quit on me saying that it was because i had complained about her.


nothing like scapegoating the victim

bitch you had already quit on me and that is what i was complaining about

unethical disgusting everything handed to her bitch. in plain english cuz her da da was/ is a prof.

grow up

youre definitely old enough spoiled brat.

o lastly my niece is competing in her horse back today in ottawa

i hope she kicks mf ass.

talk to you later.

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