was thinking about the last scab entry and that is what makes people finally shut down
that and everything else
yesterday when i was walking, four men laughed at me and harassed me as i merely walked down the street.
by the time i was only about 20 mins away from my house i was in tears.
this is the shit im talking about in windsor.
it breaks people down regardless of their fortitude and in the year 2017 no one should have to deal with this crap whatsoever.
in toronto i didnt.
i had the occasional asscrack maybe once a month or so
never multiple times a day let alone in one walk outside.
makes you want to shut down hole up and stay inside and get fat
even when i walk in windsor there are hardly any women.
almost 100% men.
windsor is just so dead in the water for me.
even the job i was excited about i called her and apologized and reinforced my interest
and she just ignored me
so i think that is done and over.
i dont think the manager liked me anyways she was so uncomfortable with how i look.
i almost had Twyla yesterday i had her scruffed and was putting her in the carrier
she arched and started to freak out once i had her back legs in the carrier
the carrier was too little too
but it is the only one i can mange walking up and down the street wtih bags of food.
im to the point of beyond depressed
i feel broken hopeless and just despairing.
i think im going to have to just pack up and go
risk homelessness i guess.
what other choice do i have here?
continuous pain that is all that windsor equates for me.
nothing good will ever come from it
because it never could
this is why i left here when i was 17.
no room for me here.
no one wants my kind here.
thats obvious from where ever your pain comes
they dont even give me a chance. literally
prejudiced; pre judging.
i am just who i am in appearance i dont try to offend anyone rebel anything
i am just me an authentic expression of me and how i feel and who i am
i dont try to upset anything or go against anyone.
but they take it as such
the big threat to the patriarch.
i mean really there is no winning in this world for me.
this is why people are suicidal.
if it were easy if i could just elect it guaranteed
i would do it literally
i would plan things out get things straightened away
and that would be that.
my family would "love' me more gone
then they do here
obviously left out of everything unwanted.
the vet tech program? 98.7% academic average unwanted.
my housing for no reason other than -unwanted both here and where i want to go.
walking down the street - unwanted.
humane society - unwanted.
friends? non existent.
gyms, stores etc unwanted.
this entire world
when do you finally throw your hands up in the air and say
ok i surrender
im unwanted, im out of here.
it would be different if you had a strong support system
and then you had people picking at you
but i have a sister that leaves me out deliberately fuck even when i wasnt disabled.
didnt even have me stand in her wedding so shes always hated me passive aggressively
my brother that has told me to kill myself outright
fuck even counsellors and crisis lines dont want me.
you cant get any worse, than that right there
including the barn.
the one "happy" i had, my rebel.
they throw away.
no thought or feelings given to it.
he doesnt matter, i dont matter.
i just dont understand this world or anything.
even cindy pattison? she didnt include me in their anniversary performance outright
had christian and melissa and craig and judy etc all of them from my group that i competed with before i left home having only danced myself for 6-8 months
but she left me out that time because im so "icky"?
no one asks for disabilities ignorant ignorant people.
and now she friends me on the facebook.
watch the freak show with some popcorn im sure.
anyways i have a futile appointment this morning with yet another gym that threw me out about a year or so ago
where in they were bullying ME as per always
and i was the one put out.
shaking my head.
i dont even want to go.
ill go and listen to the bullshit rhetoric where in im scapegoated always and others blatant abuse and bigotry is some how substantiated and acceptable.
im telling you i have to get out
whether that is by moving on
or taking my life.
seriously no talk
i cannot keep on going anymore.
something just has to give.
i literally pray that i will be taken in the night
no suffering no anything just gone.
instead i wake up
no job no inclusion no development no friends no inclusion
that much is still there.