well being

feeling very lonely tonight

i lost my barn and my horse in one fall swoop.

the only thing that kept me motivated to stay on this side of the earth literally

especially in this shit hole city

it was the highlight of my life my only happy my only enjoyment.

and she takes my grounding technique my big buddy from me that i trusted

and also takes my barn from me in one fall swoop

i feel like ive just had the carpet pulled out from under my feet

and im sitting on my ass on the floor with my jaw draped open.

in shock wondering what the fuck is going on.

seriously

her crass response to it was well youre not the only person to ever lose your horse at the barn

horses come and horses go

that is just the industry.

well therapeutic riding is NOT the industry.

then my friend there that adds her cherry to the shit sundae on saturday night

refusing me support when im having a melt down

escalating me more

leading me to not be able to go in on sunday

then she has the nerve to call me sunday to see how i made out

quote

told her i didnt make it in

i was too upset that i did manage to call at least and that i was disappointed in myself.

havent heard from her since.

so i lose my horse my barn my whole happiness in my life literally

i lose my so called friend.

key word so called

lose my chance at a job.

:(

my mom takes off on monday to go to my sisters trailer

leaving me alone all week

hurtful. still.

then today i went to the wildlife center

and the one woman that works there is good friends with my dad.

yuck

awkward

and jen? she is nice nice nice asshole

she will cut you to the bone with her one line ridicule

i mean she hits me harder than most anyone can.

i like her generally but ill tell ya shes got a mean side to her

very sarcastic and condescending.

and it cuts me to the quick and it makes me feel badly about myself.

and that is not cool

tara who is my dads buddy buys his cigarettes! yuck, says are you gonna be here all day donna?

like they cannot wait to get rid of your ass.

and lynn? i can ask her questions directly multiple times

and she literally ignores me.

speaking of ignoring

i asked saadia for information about assisted suicide medically assisted.

and she IGNORED ME.

for real can you even possibly imagine that?

i mean there is cold and disgusting and there is these people in windsor that are supposed to be service providers.

her and becky

wow.

why dont you just beat me dead all of ya same difference really.

and my landlord perpetually harassing me to get me to blow so ill go

or for me to get sick of it and leave.

he leaves the front door jacked open with a brick and paint chips all over the hallway

it takes five minutes to sweep and close a door properly

he knows that the safety of that scares me

so ya today the door was jacked open

with a brick for lord knows how long

i was gone six hours volunteering

and there are paint chips all over the entire hallway

and there is no source of them; i swear it looks like he walked thru and dumped them there

there is no paint thats been scraped.  that wasnt already done and primed by the previous owner.

he also cut down the bushes in the front

so as to get rid of my cat shelter that stood there issue free for three years

cut them back and bought new cedar trees to plant

they are all dying in the front

and the front is ripped up like a ghetto.

but it was just imperative to cut those bushes out

when i got out of the cab across the street

and came home jeff of screaming at me profanities and slamming me for being a nutjob lesbo etc for feeding birds

was gawking at me coming home

and bitching at my landlord about my supposed cat food cans

he is still harassing me just not by talking to me but by talking about me causing me problems

and what is his problem with me? other than a targeting bigot again.

i can move to kw now with the periodic payments

but there is no guaranteed permanence to that.

in two years they could suspend it and id literally be homeless..

im an old gal now

i need sustainability and housing and income security.

i literally pray every night to die in my sleep

and each morning i wake up.

sometimes i wonder if there is a God

but i know that i am blessed.

but sometimes there are questions there.

im tired and im weary

i pray that im taken in a quiet soft way

carried away from this endless pain that doesnt seem to have the possibility of changing or improving

everyone gives up on me

and they injure me further in doing so.

by doing so

so if it cant be more if it cant be better than i dont want to keep on keeping on

and that should be my decision.

sigh.

the zingers that jen says to me at the center; i like her generally speaking but ill tell you the things she says sarcastically can cut me to the bone and make me feel like a piece of shit about myself.

like no one else can.

other than the people at the barn not wanting me there and mean girling me out.

just like the family not wanting me around and mean girling me out

just like my landlord and my neighbors and the cops and saadia and coast and the crisis line and the family services and the gyms and the jobs etc etc and the schools.

i mean i am herculean in the strength i have shown

they want me gone like the kkk

why do you wear a blue helmet anyway

because it is a color and who gives a fuck anyway thats why

I hope Rebel is ok and is being taken care of properly

i wonder if they have even checked in

probably not

couldnt care less

just like they obviously dont care less like saadia

how this has impacted me my life and my overall well being.

gnite.

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